I really used to be happy with the way I acted. I liked being detached, everyone seemed to think that's a synonym for soulless but really... it just made crap so much easier to get through. Death, Kronos, all that stuff. It didn't effect me, because I just didn't care. I had hit rock bottom and nothing that happened could make it any worse. It could definitely try, Dani's death did have me shaken for awhile... but what was the point?
I'll freely admit this, too. Since Satsuki seems to think spilling all my secrets on the internet with be helpful or whatever. I'm going to get this off my chest once and never ever think about it again. It doesn't matter. I don't fucking care that Danielle Reid is dead. I don't feel bad that a nine-year-old died because of me.
Are you disgusted? You don't have a reason to be, not after all the other shit going on in camp.
But we'll get to said shit later. I'm gonna go through this in order.
I thought that I was getting over the numb stage. Something was pulling me out, but relying on someone else was a mistake, just as I knew it would be. I even told him once, in regards to something else, that I would never need anyone's else but my own. If I had just stuck to that and stayed oblivious to everyone I cared about this would be so much easier. But Myles had to jerk me out of it - I'm sure later I'll tell you how he was able to do this, but it doesn't fit right now.
Myles was my friend. We weren't anything more than that, although this issue will be addressed later, too. I didn't think we would be able to be friends, it never seemed to work with us.
Why would I hate Myles for being better than me? It's really... it's just not hard to be better than me.
And now that's not even the problem. The problem was that Myles was able to fake being better than me so well that I really believed he was. I always felt like I came in second to him whenever I was around him, because somehow he had mixed what I wanted to be with a real human being.
But then... humans don't do things rape other people's girlfriends.
Ex-girlfriends, really.
Myles used to be so intend on proving he cared about me. That's the kicker, really. I don't know why I couldn't instinctively trust him when he said that, but I insisted that he prove it somehow. And how does the asshole show me he cares? He rapes my girlfriend. Yeah. That definitely helped his cause, even though he'd have to be a fool to have not given it up by now.
Mindy and I haven't even formally broken up, but it's an understandable thing. I think it's pretty obvious we couldn't date each other after Myles raped her. Not just because of the trauma, although that's really a huge part of it.
Because...
God, Satsuki's advice is really pissing me off.
Because I am fucking in love with the boy that raped her.
But... even after he raped her. Fuck, I still loved him. I really did. It was easier to ignore at first, and I didn't have to do with stuff like concern or worry for someone else but me. It usually just got ignored, marked as the fear I usually felt whenever I was around Myles. And then it... changed.
I think that... when someone rapes another purpose... and then you worry about how the rapist must be feeling. I think that's a pretty good clue right there.
So I'm admitting it.
I'm not even going to say it's in the past, either. It's so obviously not. Even right now, I should be worried about Mindy like the rest of camp. And somehow I'm worried about how awful this must be for Myles to go through. How it seems like someone should at least hear his side of the story before everyone makes up their mind to kill him on sight.
The bastard doesn't deserve pity.
I know this. I really know this. There's no way Myles could come up with an excuse for what he did, something to make it... not alright. But, less disgusting?
I don't know. I *want* there to be a reason.
Should it be this hard to admit he's a bad guy? I've said it hundreds of times before. Hundreds of times when Myles hadn't done anything to deserve it and now the one time he proves me right... I just don't want to be right about him.
If he tried to prove to me that he cared, still? I'd listen to him. I thought that I knew how to hold a grudge, at the very least I was positive I could hold a grudge, and suddenly I want to forgive him? What the fuck is up with me?
So, Myles.
If you're reading this.
I care about you, too. I'll admit it. Good job. It was nice of you to ruin it, it really does make this a lot easier to deal with. Feel better, asshole?
And that's it. I've done what Satsuki said. You guys know absolutely everything, and I don't plan on discussing this ever again. Ever.
